This post is going to make us all a little uncomfortable.
Some of you will be horrified, some will feel pity and others might raise their hands and give me an empathetic, "Amen."
Just giving you fair warning so you can turn away now if need be.
I am overweight.
This is no secret to many of you.
But there it is.
The cold, hard truth:
FAT.
In the last three years I have gained some120 lbs.
There.
I've written out loud for the whole world to know.
The shame of that number makes me ill.
As of today I am down 70 lbs but I've got 50 more to go and I have hit a mental plateau.
I didn't realize this in the beginning but losing weight is almost 100% in your head. There have been many ups and downs and I have worked myself into a thick exhaustion. I have gone through phases of denial where I cut all the sizing tags out of my clothes. I have spent long moments staring at each lump and roll. (Frankly, we got so well acquainted, I am surprised I didn't name them all.) There have been times where I would turn my husband down for dinner dates because I was too embarrassed to be seen in public-too afraid someone might notice me eating and form an opinion. I have gone to Weight Watchers meetings and even suffered the humiliation of being the largest girl in aerobics classes.
Vanity and reverse vanity are difficult things to rid yourself of.
But it wasn't until tonight that I have wrapped my head around the thing keeping me in my current plateau: Forgiveness.
Somehow I have to forgive myself for being fat.
This is NOT something they cover at church.
I was not prepared for this.
And even more horrifying is my delusion that I need other's forgiveness as well. How does one even go about asking others for such a thing?
So I asked poor Bobby.
"Will you forgive me for getting fat?"
He looked at me completely dumbfounded. He told me how much he loved me.
What else could he say?
That is the worst thing you could possibly ask your husband.
And that is where I am at tonight.
Are you uncomfortable yet?
Heaven knows I am.
I am all for being candid but this seems to cross the line, even for me.
You needn't comment.
I just needed to put it out there in hopes that this truth will help me shed a few pounds in my brain.
6 comments:
Girl. I love ya. You can do this. You are beautiful.
You are the most darling girl and I love you. Here's the thing - I'm FAT. Yip F A T....I put on like 50kg's. No kidding, even my fat pants are too small. Have spent hours, telling myself I'm not that fat, what does a roll here or there hurt. Fact is, I hate it, I miss me, my mental image of myself is a thin self. So, let's do this together? I am mentally fat I think, and need to get over that and get moving (really NOT a gym girl).
Am doing Zumba this week. will you join me? we can compare notes.
Jackie over there is right, you are beautiful, you can do this. You just have to decide to do it, and forgive yourself. I keep telling myself, it's a phase, it's a season.
I have decided that fat season is OVER.
Would love to detach my self esteem and weight from eachother, hopefully that will happen along the way.
Love you you sweet girl!
Okay, here's the deal... I'll forgive you if you forgive me. Hows that? Hummmm? Seriously, I don't see you as fat. I see you as amazing, beautiful, loving, smart wonderful and wicked cool! So CONGRATS on losing what you have. THAT is AMAZING! Crap I try and lose 10 lousy pounds and I am a complete failure.... I had to have my Gall Bladder problems to lose it! Not the best way to lose weight by the way.... So lose if you must, I totally understand your desire to do so and get the self image thing and the concern about how others feel etc... BUT... It does not matter to me. You ROCK and are BEAUTIFUL period. I feel better now too.. :)
Love you, Nanette!
I agree with what you said about losing weight being mental (as opposed to a physical feat as we usually think). But, as soon as I read that, I thought that it's also in large part emotional. I am starting to recognize that as I hit plateaus, there is always something emotional holding me back. I think you are absolutely on the right track. And, maybe it isn't about forgiving yourself for being fat - maybe it's about just forgiving yourself. Period.
You have such cool friends!
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